


I Can Only Try

by CharMarStein



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cutting, Depressing, M/M, Quiet Zayn, Sad Niall, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-23
Updated: 2014-02-23
Packaged: 2018-01-13 11:46:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1225111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharMarStein/pseuds/CharMarStein
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall doesn't think he is worth it but the boys don't know what they would do if they lost him. All Niall can promise is that he will try.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can Only Try

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own one direction, this is fiction, thank God. Hope you like it sorry it is sad. comments, critiques and kudos are appreciated.

As Niall lay between them he knew, he knew that he would never be good enough. He felt Zayn's hot breath on the back of his neck and Louis's stomach rise and fall under his arm. Both boys asleep and blissfully unaware of Niall's inner struggle. He knew that they both loved him but he never knew why, he was just a chubby, pale boy with little white scars no one had seen. He always kept his pants on and changed in the bathroom so none of the other boys would notice. He knew that as his relationship with Zayn and Louis got more physical it would be harder to hide but they were taking it slow so he had plenty of time to teach himself how to stop. It was really easy to keep things from Harry and Liam as they were doe eyed at each other still in the honeymoon phase of their blossoming relationship. He felt Zayn shift closer and in return pulled Louis more firmly to his chest. He knew that he would have to get up soon so he would have time to create long lines of red on his hips before the boys woke up but he wanted to feel normal for just a little while longer.

He closed the bathroom door as quietly as he could so the other boys wouldn't wake up and the turned to the hotel sink. He opened the drawer he had hidden the little piece of metal he had ripped from a razor. When his fingers met the cool sharp object he sighed with relief, thinking, and knowing it would all feel better when he pressed it into his flesh. He pressed harder and harder as he felt the cool metal break through the skin, hot red blood pooling around the wound before slowly dripping down his leg. His hands were shaking but that only made him press harder and make the lines longer. The first one was because he ate an extra sweet at dinner, the second because he wasn't good enough for his boyfriends, the third was because he missed home, and the fourth was because he knew deep down that he could never stop, he needed to feel the sting when the razor bit into his skin. He felt silent tears leave his eyes and gave himself one more just for that before grabbing a wet wash cloth and starting to clean himself up. Halfway soaking the blood up he said forget it and hoped in the shower hoping to rise the blood away faster.

He was so absorbed in his own thoughts that he did not hear the soft knock or the turning of the door handle. He heard the gasp though and Louis yell for Zayn to come quick. Niall just kept his eyes closed wishing it was all just a bad dream, his head dizzy from blood loss. His wishes never did come true as both Zayn and Louis started panicking. Pulling Niall from the shower and trying their best to stop the blood that was still flowing from his hip. When the fluttering hands stopped he slowly opened his eyes, first looking at his hip to see the boys had stopped the bleeding and covered it with bandages. Then he looked at Zayn, the sadness in his eyes was unbearable but when he turned to Louis who was cradling Niall's head in his lap, it was much worse. Sobs wracked his body as he pet Niall's head murmuring comforting words. Niall didn't know if they were for him or for Louis's own sake but they calmed him down so he let his eyes slipped closed, exhausted from blood loss he fell asleep.

As he woke he heard Zayn quietly whisper, "Lets ask him, don't jump to conclusions." It took Niall a second to realize what they were talking about but then he remembered what had happened that morning. 

"Jump to conclusions Z, he cut himself and from the look of it he has for a long time. Why didn't he tell us? We were his best mates and now his boyfriends, we could help him." Louis paused, "Oh God, what if it is our fault?" Louis broke into sobs again.

Niall couldn't take it anymore, "It's not your fault, It's mine."

"Niall we love you!" He felt Louis's weight drop on him pulling him in so tight he could barely breath and he felt Zayn grab his hand intertwining their fingers. Niall made eye contact with Louis, "Whatever it is we can make it better, please just let us help you. We love you, I love you, Zayn loves you. Please Niall."

All Niall could do was nod his head as the boys peppered him with kisses. Knowing that night he would have one more line added to his hip. How could he have been so stupid not to lock the door, why couldn't he have waited until he was alone, why did Louis have to walk in? 

They didn't talk about it anymore that morning as they got dressed and ready for their day. The boys would touch him and kiss him whenever they could but instead of feeling comforted by it he found it suffocating. The whole day went like that, through the interviews (where he didn't talk), lunch (where Niall ate nothing), and the recording session (where he couldn't seem to hit the right notes). He was having the worst day and kept on adding reasons why he should cut himself. Liam and Harry not noticing the difference or how sober their attitudes were. 

When they got back to their hotel room they were all quiet. They quickly got into bed and Louis and Zayn pinned Niall between them. He felt like he couldn't breath, he felt a since of panic as he scrambled away from them and towards bag that held his inhaler. As he quickly sucked in the medicine he ran to the bathroom locking the door behind him. He could not hear the banging on the door past the rushing in his ears but he knew it was there. He found his razor, that he had been lucky enough to hide before he got in the shower and dug it into his wrists. He was so done with this life, he wanted out. He didn't care if the scars showed because he would be dead before anyone saw him.

He crawled to the door hearing Louis screaming and sobbing, "Niall please don't we love you, please open the door. Niall open the door!" he could hear Zayn crying, a sound Niall hated but he couldn't stop now. "Niall we love you please. Niall open the door we want to help you!"

He placed his hand on the shuddering door, "I'm sorry I'm not good enough." Louis quit screaming and the door stopped shuddering. "I'm sorry I can't do it anymore. It is suffocating, I can't breath anymore. I am sorry I am not good enough for you. I love you both so much, take care of each other. Tell Liam and Harry they will always be my brothers and tell my family I love them. Goodbye." He heard one of the boys scream "Niall no please." but he didn't know who it was because everything was going black. In a last moment he unlocked the door, not wanting to die alone. He felt hands on him as the world faded into nothing.

No, no, no, this wasn't supposed to happen. He knew it wasn't right, he was supposed to be dead and he didn't think death smelled like chemicals. He heard the beeping of the heart monitor before a deep voice he didn't recognize started speaking. "He lost a lot of blood but if we keep him here a few more days he will make a full recovery." It was all wrong, he was supposed to die. No one was supposed to save him, he wasn't worth it. "We recommend rehab and therapy as well as group sessions where you boys can learn to understand how he feels but because he is over 18 he has to agree to those on his own. For now all we can do is wait until he wakes up."

"Thank you." He heard Paul's voice and knew that all the boys were there. He was glad but he knew that he needed to speak to Zayn and Louis alone, Paul had the same idea even though he did not know Niall was awake. "Harry, Liam come with me for a moment please. I think we need to give them a little time." He heard the door open and then close, knowing it was just the three of them once again.

He knew the longer he waited the worse it would be so he opened his eyes, he tried to say something but all that came out was a croak and his throat burned with dryness. Zayn rushed over handing him a glass of water and helping him sit up. When Niall looked at Louis he saw him more weary than he had ever seen him before. Louis watched as Niall drank and then slowly sat on the foot of the bed. Both Zayn and Louis's eyes were red and puffy and Niall knew that they had been crying.

"Why?" Louis's one word felt like a stab to the heart and Niall knew he owed the boys an explanation but he also knew he needed to let Louis finish. "Why would you do that to us? How could you do that to us Niall? Do you know how much it hurts us to see you like this? You are hooked up to machines because you didn't want to live, why don't you want to stay with us? What if we had lost you forever? I don't think I could have done it Ni, I wouldn't survive your death and I don't think Zayn would either." Zayn nodded his head in agreement.

All three of them were crying and Niall grabbed them trying to pull them next to him. He was still weak but when he finally got them down he started to speak, "I'm so sorry. I didn't think about what it would do to you because I didn't think I was good enough for you. I just had to get out, I was suffocating and no one noticed. I'm still not good enough for you and never will be, I'm sorry."

Zayn cut him off and Niall listened closely knowing when Zayn talk what he said was important. "Don't say that, you are good enough. Matter fact you are perfect. We love you Ni, no matter what you do but please don't do that again. We need you, as Lou said, we wouldn't survive without you." It was the longest speech that Zayn had ever given him and Niall knew that every word was important.

"I- I can't promise I'll stop." Niall stuttered. "But I can try. Some days I feel like I have to or I'll explode, but I promise I'll try."

Zayn wrapped his arms around Niall and Niall wrapped his arm around Louis. "When ever you feel like you can't help it you can talk to us, but as long as you try." As they lay there in the hospital bed Niall knew he would never be enough but he also knew now that his boys loved him anyway. As he felt Zayn's hot breath on the back of his neck and Louis's stomach rise and fall under his arm he knew that this is where he fit. He realized he was the middle piece that held his two boys together. Even though the road would get hard and he would often fail he was going to try. For his boys he was going to try and get better and once he got there he was never going to go back.


End file.
